0shawotting:

slurpuffs:

not all men

are as addicted to carpet as i am. i rub different textures of carpet all over my body. i smell the fresh new carpet smell and feel myself get excited. i work day and night to collect different types of carpet from wherever i am. i sleep with a carpet pillow i have made by hand. i wrap myself in a cocoon of carpet and feel myself merge into the fabric, becoming one…  

wittyandcharming:

THESE PARENT BIRDS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE BIRDY DRAG QUEENS WITH FLAWLESS EYELINER AND THE BABY LOOKS LIKE AN UNFINISHED MUPPET AND I’M DEAD.

fruitcrocs:

when a teacher asks you if you understand the work and you don’t 

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*gets 0 on the test*

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You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever.

That’s why, when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.

he cant find the remote

luke: nooo i needed to record sponegebob
micahel: [stares at the blank screen for 2 hours]
calum: FUCKING WHERES THE FUCKAISN F REMOTE- oh ha it was in my ass
ashton: lol im a farmer i dont have tv gotta plow the fields

huggablehemmo:

Q: Are you really as close as you seem? +

lampsu:

have you ever had a friend who you love to death but at the same time you fucking hate them and every once in a while you get an extremely strong urge to beat the shit out of them